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Pilot/Transcript
This page is the transcript for the episode "Pilot". Feel free to correct any errors.

SCENE: Santa Barbara, California. 1986, Past. - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father, Henry Spencer.

Henry Spencer: You do your homework?
Shawn Spencer: Uh-huh.
Henry: Finish those beets?
Shawn: Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: Dad, I don't wanna...
Henry: Now.
Shawn: Ugh. (Closes his eyes.)
Henry: Which letter is out in the exit sign?
Shawn: The "X".
Henry: What color is the vinyl?
Shawn: What's vinyl?
Henry: It's the stuff these seats are covered in.
Shawn: Purple.
Henry: Maroon, close enough. Manager's name?
Shawn: Who?
Henry: She's wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.
Shawn: (Recalls the moment they entered the diner.)
Henry: You saw her.
Shawn: (Remembers seeing the woman's name tag.) Marie. Can I have the cake now?
Henry: How many hats?
Shawn: Ugh, come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?
Shawn: (Tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats with eyes still shut.) Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Shawn: Three.
Henry: You didn't describe them.
Shawn: That's not fair.
Henry: Time's almost up, Shawn.
Shawn: One has a flower, the one the lady's wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.
Henry: What about the beanie?
Shawn: A beanie's a cap, not a hat.
Henry: All right, open your eyes.
Shawn: Thank you!
Marie: Wow, that's amazing.
Henry: It's adequate. Get him his cake.
Marie: I guess I know what you're gonna be when you grow up.
Shawn: Oh, I'm never gonna grow up, ma'am.

SCENE: Santa Barbara. 2006, Present - Shawn is at his apartment kissing his date.

Girl: Nice place.
Shawn: Thank you. (Accidentally turns on the TV.)
Reporter: ...precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.
Girl: I knew you were gonna be my best table.
Shawn: (Shawn moans. Girl sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.)
Dana: ...voicing her concerns regarding the department's long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?
Shawn: (Sneaks a peek at the TV.)
Joe: We're at a loss, we really don’t know what else to do. It's been a tough few weeks, we've basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, th-the police will be able to crack this one for us.
Dana: Closing the books on Divisions' break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.
Shawn: (Reaches for the phone.)
Girl: What are you doing?
Shawn: I'm calling the police.
Girl: Any particular reason?
Shawn: I think I just closed a case.
Girl: You didn't tell me you’re a cop.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.
Girl: Mmmm.
Shawn: Does that disappoint you?
Girl: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh, I have handcuffs. [to the phone] Hello?
Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.
Shawn: Ah, it's the store manager, he did it.
Woman on Phone: Pardon me?
Shawn: Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. He's on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he won't look at the reporter in the eyes.
Woman on Phone: And your name is?
Shawn: My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.
Woman on Phone: And is there anything else today?
Shawn: No, that's gonna do it.
Dana: ...retailers are waiting and hoping...
Shawn: Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated.

SCENE: Santa Barbara Police Department, Santa Barbara. Present. - Shawn Spencer goes over to the desk sergeant who is on the phone.

Shawn: Hello, Officer.
Desk Sgt. Allen: [to the phone] Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.
Shawn: (Sees the various lucky charms on the officer's station.)
Allen: [to the phone] Yeah.
Shawn: Hi.
Allen: [to the phone] It was amazing.
Shawn: I'm Shawn Spencer.
Allen: (Points to a bench) [to the phone] And the other thing is... Well, no, I'm not gonna pay for it.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, that's not for me. Uh, I'm here for a commendation I called in a tip.
Allen: (Points to the bench.) [to the phone] Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I can't pay for that.
Shawn: Here's the thing. These are new pants.
Allen: (Annoyed, points to the bench yet again.)
Shawn: Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right. (Sits on the bench where another man sits.)
Allen: [to the phone] Eighty dollars is a lot for a reading. But she was astounding. I mean, she knew about Granny's childhood, and the curious she left Bobby. I mean, I could literally feel her spirit in the room.
Shawn: (Looks at the man sitting beside him, who has "Bloodthirsty" tattooed on his forehead and a teardrop on his cheek.) Get out of here. You know I have the same tattoo. They spelled 'bloodthirsty' wrong on mine, can you believe it?
Man: (Lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.)
Shawn: I cannot believe you didn't test that out first. (A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.)
Officer McNab: [to himself] One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three.
Shawn: (Turns his attention back to the man beside him and sees shards of glass on the roll of his sleeves.) What'd you do? Bust up your ex-wife's car?
Man: Her new boyfriend's.
Shawn: That'll teach her.
Man: They got no witnesses.
Shawn: Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.
Man: (Looks at his sleeve.)
Shawn: Just a tip.
Man: Gee, thanks, guy.
Shawn: Sure.
Man: (Brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.)
Officer McNab: (Escorts Shawn to a room.) Right this way, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: So, when do I get my money? (A woman detective opens the door.
Detective Lucinda Barry: Money?
Shawn: Yeah, the reward? (Enters the interrogation room.) You guys arrested the store manager, am I right?
Detective Carlton Lassiter: Why don't you let us ask the questions for a while?
Shawn: Okay. (Takes a seat, and observes from the reflection on the one-way mirror that Lassiter is playing with the hair of his partner, Lucinda.) So, which questions might those be?
Lassiter: Oh, I don't know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn: I was robbing a stereo shop. (Laughs) I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.
Lassiter: You're not helping your case here.
Shawn: My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect?
Lassiter: Oh, you're our lead suspect.
Shawn: I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?
Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.
Shawn: Inside of what? Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.
Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like... (Looks at the contents of a file folder.) Oh, you're currently unemployed. You've never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.
Shawn: I was 18.
Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well, that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out!
Shawn: I borrowed a car.
Lassiter: You stole a car.
Shawn: To impress a girl.
Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.
Shawn: Would it help at all if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was 0 for high school? Okay, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson.
Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so, sure.
Lassiter: Well, pardon me if I'm just a little skeptical. Believable, as it is, that you solved all these crimes…I'm sorry, what was it? (Looks at the file.) Watching the local Channel 8 News reports.
Shawn: I confess. That's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.
Lassiter: So, you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.
Shawn: Can't you?
Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. You can't keep me here, guys. I know my rights.
(Stands up and makes his way to the door.)
Lassiter: Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.
Shawn: (Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.)
Lassiter: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.
Shawn: (Chuckles, then pauses.) Wait a minute, you're serious?
Lassiter: A few hours in a holding cell might jog your memory.
Shawn: (Takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained, gulps.)
Lucinda: Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That's all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.
Allen: (Arrives and cuffs Shawn.)
Shawn: Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda: Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: (Looks at Desk Sgt. Allen, sees her crystal necklace and other charms.) Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I got the information, because...I’m a psychic.
Allen: (Drops the cuffs.)
Lassiter: Get him out of here.
Shawn: Oh, boy. (Pretends to lose his balance then looks at Desk Sgt. Allen.) Your grandma would be so proud.
Allen: You spoke to her?
Shawn: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Allen: The palm readers?
Shawn: The palm readers. (Puts his hand on the woman's cheek.)
Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: (Exclaims, looking at Lucinda and Lassiter) How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One... (Turns to Officer McNab.) When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd. Wait, how'd you know?
Shawn: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.
McNab: Wow, that's amazing.
Lassiter: Oh, come on. Who's buying this? (McNab and one of the prisoners raise their hand.)
Shawn: I got it. Go to detention room number two, shake down your vandal. You’ll find all the evidence you need. (His left foot starts shaking.) All the evidence is in his left shoe. (Lucinda rolls her eyes.)
Lassiter: We'll be back here in three minutes. (Makes his way out, looks at Allen.) With my own cuffs.
Shawn: (Sighs) Whoa! (In the lobby, talking to Desk Sgt. Allen. Another officer leads the tattooed man to his cell.) I'm getting...I am getting the letter "L".
Allen: Lulu! Her dog! Is there anything else she said?
Shawn: Uh, there's suddenly a very, very negative presence here. It's blocking me. (Lassiter and Lucinda are watching him from afar.)
Lassiter: That was a lucky guess.
Lucinda: A lucky guess?
Lassiter: He planted it. I don’t know.
Lucinda: His alibi checks.
Shawn: (Still talking with Allen) Question. Do I pay taxes on reward money?
Allen: I'll find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch! (Shawn and Allen touch their forefingers together and giggle. Shawn leaves. Lassiter approaches Allen glares at her. Shawn steps out of the police precinct.)

Shawn: Doctor?
Police Officer: Yeah.
(A pregnant woman steps out of the police precinct and calls for Shawn.)
Pregnant Woman: Not so fast Mr. Spencer. Karen Vick, Interim Police Chief.
Shawn: I know.
Chief: Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you're welcome.
Chief: That wasn't the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, improbable. Possible, yet, unlikely.
Shawn: Look, it's hard to explain. I'm gifted. I was born that way.
Chief: I knew your father, he was a good cop. You're nothing like him.
Shawn: I take that as a compliment, ma'am.
Chief: Don't ever call me "ma'am".
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief: Not exactly. You familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum? Yeah, they own half the hill.
Chief: Well, there's been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh, come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case, and I need to make some progress. What I need is a miracle, or a facsimile of one.
Shawn: Oh. I see, I see. Well, I make $1,200 a day.
Chief: It's a tryout.(turns to leave)
Shawn: That's what I meant to say. This is pro bono, something for you.
Chief: (turns back around) And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute. You know hindering a police investigation is a criminal offense?(leaves)
Shawn: Sounds good! We're on the same team now! Kidnappers beware! (Chuckles)

SCENE: Office building, Santa Barbara. Present. - Shawn is in a office building coming to see his friend, Burton "Gus" Guster, who is sitting at his desk. 

Shawn: I have a job for you.
Burton "Gus" Guster: I already have a job.
Shawn: They're paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on, left hand, space bar, right hand, arrow keys? Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.
Gus: (ends game) I can't go anywhere. I'm behind on my route. I've got new samples of serum moxacillin.
Shawn: (pulls open one of Gus' drawers) Oh, man, I'm sorry I didn't realize the new butt cream had come in. So, you're not interested in hearing about doing the thing we've been dreaming of doing since we were eight? I've got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: (chortles) Shawn, you've had 57 jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: Yes, I have. And they were all fun, but this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh, yeah? Better than your acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn't realize experience was necessary.
Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the wiener mobile?
Shawn: I did that for the hotdogs. Look, Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it, then I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.
Gus: Uh, no. I'm never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border, twice.
Shawn: Okay, this is hard to explain, but I'm going to give it a shot. You...and I...are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh, see? No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
Shawn: (pause) But you're not getting your coat.
Gus: Ah, no, no, Shawn, I'm not. (continues working)
Shawn: All right, you want to sweat the details? Fine. The cops think I'm a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping.
Gus: You're serious? (looks up)
Shawn: Yes, I am serious! Six days ago, Camden McCallum, Jr., sole male heir to McCallum Textiles, was seen being forced into his Range Rover at the municipal dog park. No one has seen him, or the dog since.
Gus: They took the dog?
Shawn: You see what I mean? I need you. I need you to write stuff down. 'Cause you know how I zone out when other people talk.
Gus: Just for today?
Shawn: Just today. (pause) Oh, and you know what? You should bring your sample case, because some of those forensics guys probably...
Gus: Whoa! There's gonna be forensics guys there?

SCENE: Freeway, Santa Barbara. Present - Shawn and Gus are driving to the McCallum household talking about the case.

Shawn: All right, pay attention. Eighteen months ago, Camden McCallum ran his father's cigarette boat into the Morrow Bay aquarium. That was right after he got caught with that hockey player's wife.
Gus: Yeah, I remember that.
Shawn: The guy hadn't been out of the paper in five years. Since that day, nothing. Not a single news story. Not so much as a dented motorcycle.
Gus: Okay. What do you think?
Shawn: I think Camden McCallum is too good at what he does to stop. Not cold turkey, anyway. Beautiful women, fast cars. It doesn't add up. Something happened.

SCENE: outside McCallum House, Santa Barbara. Present - Shawn and Gus get out of car, with Gus carrying his sample case.

Gus: How should we introduce ourselves? And don't say psychic, they'll shut you off. Say something vague, like Alternative Tactics Division.
Shawn: How about the Bureau of Magic and Spell-casting? (notices a man hauling a garbage can, runs towards it)
Gus: Where are you going?
Shawn: (roots through the garbage can)
Gus: You're rooting through the trash?
Shawn: Just for a second.
Gus: You are without doubt, the worst detective I've ever seen.
Shawn: Gus, everything you need is right in front of you. You just have to pay attention.
Gus: Oh, yeah?
Shawn: Look at this. (pulls out a foil from the trash) Berenson's brand. That is the highest quality dog food on the market.
Gus: Perfect. They pamper their pets. The case is almost solved.
Shawn: This stuff is really expensive. No additives, no preservatives. Why would you possibly open three bags simultaneously, when you only have one dog?
Gus: They're rich, they waste money.
Shawn: Oh my God!
Gus: What?
Shawn: This CD case is totally nice. Why would someone throw this out? Here. (hands the case to Gus) Put this in the car.
Gus: Inside, now.
Shawn: Is it entirely too early for me to have a theory?
Gus: Can you at least wait until we see some evidence?
Shawn: I suppose I could if it'd make you happier.

SCENE: Inside McCallum house Santa Barbara. Present - Shawn and Gus are inside the McCallum's house, looking around.

Shawn: Whoa. Huh! Remember, just act natural. (makes their presence known, but the police just looks at them. Gus pulls him aside.)
Gus: (whispers) They know.
Shawn: How could they know?
Gus: They know.
Shawn: We haven't said anything yet.
Gus: They know, I can feel it.
Shawn: Oh, you're a psychic now, too?
Gus: You're not a psychic!
Shawn: Gus, let's just be clear on one thing. The only way they can absolutely prove that I am not a psychic, is if I tell them. And I can guarantee you, that is the one thing I will never do. (notices something in the distance) Ooh! Check this out. (enters another room)
Gus: You got a lead? (follows him)
Shawn: No, but look at this girl. (looks at family portrait) She must be the sister. Wow, she’s incredible.
Gus: We kind of have a few other things going on right now, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh Gus, look. (looks closely at photo) Look how she went from this awkward stage with this really unfortunate perm, to this beautiful amazing girl. I mean, she's a late bloomer but what does that mean? That means depth of character.
Gus: (breathes heavily)
Shawn: Gus, she kayaks.
Gus:' (continues heavy breathing)
Shawn: (noticing Gus) What, are you Lamaze breathing?
Gus:' It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart. (continues to look at the family pictures) She reads Vonnegut. Wow! She's an aviatrix. Gus, I bet this girl is spectacular.
The Girl: (standing behind them on the stairs) Really now?
Shawn: (turns around to see her)
The Girl: I'm Katarina McCallum.
Shawn: I am thoroughly embarrassed.
Katarina McCallum: I'll bet you are.
Shawn: I'm sorry. I'm Shawn Spencer. The Chief called me in. (takes Katarina's hand, and looks at her bracelet) Everything's gonna be okay.
Katarina: Thank you for saying that. I have the same feeling. What makes you think so?
Shawn: I'm a psychic.
Katarina: They called in a psychic?
Shawn: I have very unique and special abilities.
Katarina: Well, Shawn Spencer, if you need to ask any questions...
Shawn: Just one. (pause) Do you currently have a boyfriend?
Katarina: (hesitates to answer) Is that pertinent?
Shawn: It very well could be.
Katarina: Well, yes, I'm sort of seeing someone, nothing serious, though. Shawn: Nothing too serious. That's good. That's good, that's very good. I think that's it for now. I’ll be in touch. (Katerina leaves)
Gus: How do you luck into these women all the time?
Shawn: Gus, please. I'm a professional, gathering information. (Later, in the main room, he continues browsing a family album)
Gus: What are we looking for?
Shawn: Pictures of that Katarina girl. Preferably at the beach, maybe on her way to yoga. Or at a Halloween party, dressed as a cat.
Gus: (pulls out from his coat pocket a blister pack of pills)
Shawn: What are those for?
Gus: It's for anxiety.
Shawn: Is it ethical to sample your own samples?
Lucinda: Mr. Spencer, the sketch artist is here for you.
Shawn: The sketch artist.
Lucinda: The Chief insisted.
Shawn: Interim Chief.
Lucinda: Yeah, you call her that.
Shawn: I'll be right back. (sits with the sketch artist) Oh, yeah, that's nice. Yeah, with the shading...the shading's nice. Uh, here's a question. Do you think you could have him looking further to the left? Like, his eye-line further to the left?
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: Yeah?
Gus: Can I talk to you for a second?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah. (to artist) So, just more to the left and I think we're there. All right. (to Gus) What's up?
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Just work with me.
Gus: Tell them you're blocked or something.
Shawn: I’m gonna have to use that later. (to artist) Uh, how are we looking over there? (artist shows them the sketch.) Oh, that's great, now...look how good that is!
Gus: (sees the picture where Shawn based the sketch on sitting on the counter)
Shawn: See how he's looking off to the left like he sees something. Now, as far as the hair goes, can we get the bangs wispier, like he's trying to compensate for, like, maybe he's thinning in the back and he's sort of got a swoop?
Mrs. McCallum: (enters the room then screams after seeing the sketch) Oh, my gosh! It's Bill! Oh, it's Bill! Oh, honey! Come here, Bill's the kidnapper!
Katarina: (looks at the sketch) That's the exact cap I gave him!
Gus: (stands in front of the photograph to keep them from seeing it)
Shawn: Okay, everybody stop. (pretends to have a vision) No, no! I'm sorry. Bill is not the kidnapper. Not the kidnapper. Bill is just a horrible human being. (looks at Katarina) Who is Bill? I'm getting multiple women. Is he a bigamist? A pimp? Does he sell children on the black market? What...

Shawn: Mr McCallan(turns) I'm Shawn Spencer, the psychic.

Mr. McCallan: Well thank you for coming, If their is anything I can do (about to leave into house)

Shawn: I'can imagine how difficult this must be for you sir.

Mr. McCallan: Nothing can prepare you for something like this, knowing you can't do anything. pause) Call me anytime, with any questions. (about to go into house)

Shawn: Ah, actually I do have one question sir, how did he feel about the dog?

Mr. McCallan: Well he loved that dog, he didn't do anything without it. 

Shawn: Yep, that'll do it. Thank you sir. (McCallan turns and goes into house)

Burton: Does he like his dog? That's how you investigate. (follows Shawn off the front steps, to the car)

Shawn: I think we're making progress.

Burton: Since you been here all you have done is dig through their  trash, hit on the victims sister and falsely accuse her boyfriend,

Shawn: Gus, he's not her boyfirend. She made a point to say their free to see other people.

Burton: Whatever you say Shawn, have a blast, I quit.

Shawn: You can't quit we just got started.

Burton: Watch me. (gets into car without him)

Shawn: Gus your going to miss everything (yelling) It's going to be fun (starts car) Gus get back here.(Gus drives out of driveway) Well fine (mutters under breath) I'll solve this case by myself..

SCENE: Santa Barbara. Present - Gus is sleeping in his bed when he hears noises coming from inside his house. He gets his case and goes into the kitchen to find Shawn porring coffie leaning next to railing. 

Gus: AHHHH!!!

Shawn: (pouring coffee) Gus, I hate to imagine what the rest of your plane was.

Gus: How did you get in! (Shawn puts down coffee)

Shawn: Fairless effective on the second floor landing. (shows key in fake rock)

Gus: (puts down case and puts his hand on his hips) what do you what Shawn?

Shawn: Can I ask you something about the case please.

Gus: No. (quickly)

Shawn: I was right.

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